Hats of to the Stranger

I’m done!!!!! I’ve completed 6 sessions of Chemo and now it is time to have this poison leach from my body.

 Don’t get me wrong, this was a choice I made, I didn’t have to have the chemo, I could have relied solely on GOD’s will through prayer and meditation but as I said before, “I’m not Suzanne Summers or Jenny McCarthy”( there’s a mental picture for you.) “ GOD gave the my medical team the skill, the knowledge and the ability to use those attributes. Who am I to ignore they advise?”  Chemo, as with pretty much all medicines, is a poison designed to kill organisms, tissues and other parts of the body that is causing issues. The difference in most medicines is that they skirt the fine line between hurting and helping, in most cases helping outweighs the hurt so we go ahead. However Chemo goes in and kills more than it’s intended target and the body takes its own sweet time to heal itself after. ( Ok all you medical friends that is an overly simplified statement but essentially true.)So now I heal.

The last day was really no different from the others, blood work, Oncologist meeting and then the chemo. Blood work was fine, when I met with the Oncologist he told me that my PSA was 0.037 (it actually was immeasurable but they still give a value above zero) and everybody was well pleased. When I entered this phase of life last August beginning with the hormone treatments I had talked with him about how tired I was during my first week back to work after the 5^th treatment and we agreed that I should stop being a hero, take the extra week off and then go straight into a week of holidays so I will have 3 full weeks to regain my strength and try to get back to my normal. (my normal, cause Lord knows it isn’t YOUR normal). So here I am trying to get whole again. When you take radiation or chemo, The Regional Cancer Clinic has bells you can ring. It is a celebration of the fact that you have completed this  course of treatment and while many if not most ring the bell, I chose not to. Please don’t  get me wrong, I’m  really, really, no really glad this is over but I was also really uncomfortable ringing the bell and let me tell you why.  My treatments were a proactive approach to killing something that might be trying to start. Most people are taking treatments as a reactive treatment to something already attacking their body. When I took a quick tour of the Chemo Section, one of the first things the nurse told me was to be aware of the  fact that most people who come in here are more sick than I and in fact in more dire straits than I. This stuck in my head the whole time, and was in fact, fairly evident whether I had been told or not. So here I am attending six sessions walking into my treatment and leaving my treatment more like a visitor or attendant rather than a patient. It didn’t seem right to me that I would stride out full of energy and colour and jump and down and say look at me I’m done, I’m no longer sick, you too can be like me. It just felt wrong. I did say to the nurses and staff , that if you want me to ring the bell , if you think that it might be useful to others, then I will do it but if you are giving me a choice then I would rather not ring the bell.  As an aside I can’t say enough about the staff at the Regional Cancer Program.  From the receptionists to the nurses, doctors to technicians all were pleasant, all were empathetic and all made you feel important and not just another patient. I hope you never have to experience this but if you should, you are in good hands.

Healing, 

I have begun to taste again, food will soon be something to savour and enjoy, rather than something to keep you alive. The biggest obstacle to overcome is stamina and breathing. A week after treatment and driving back and forth to Guelph on consecutive days was tiring. Yes I took breaks, yes we took time to eat and I did nothing when I got home but man was I beat. Simple tasks can be done but in 2 hour spurts and then followed by a nap. I’m sleeping 7 hours plus at night instead of my customary 5.5. There is usually an afternoon quiet time, not necessarily a nap but certainly an hour of doing squat. I tend to lose focus faster and takes a little longer to go full circle and come back to the lost thought. The biggest  obstacle is lack of breath.  I can sit in the kayak and go for a 2 hour paddle and be ok but push a lawnmower for more than ½ an hour and  I feel like I just did a 100 metre dash. I can sit on my hands and knees and weed for an hour but climb the stairs at the SAIL store and I’m close to being in distress. It isn’t a breathing in issue, it seems to be an expelling problem, so more like COPD  than Asthma ( which I do suffer from).  So while I look ok and you might think I should be back to work, I really am not ready to do anything more than type or walk slowly.

Next steps,

I am still being treated for the prostate issues,  and the bone issues although we seem to have turned the corner. There is going to be more tests, consults and possible treatments,  with Oncologists and Urologists but certainly we seem to be out of the woods at this time. I see the Oncologist in August and the Urologist in September, then there will be the usual 3month, 6 month and 1 year checkups before anything can be declared. In the mean time R&R, work and no worry. (HA)

I will say that I have learned to be more patient, hurry up and wait is a way of life at the Regional Cancer Program, I have also learned to slow it down, at least slow down for me. I have had time to reflect on life,  children and grandchildren. “No” or “ I’m not up to it” or “I can’t” has slipped into my lexicon. Taking more Bill time has happened, although weeding beds that should have been done weeks ago still frustrates the heck out me, I am dealing with it better. I think, maybe, well...........

I can’t thank all of you enough that have prayed, sent well wishes, taken the time to help out  or come over for a coffee. Knowing that you are out there has been a great support system and that along with my faith in GOD and JESUS has kept me from falling into a deep pit of despair. You have kept my spirits strong and you have been understanding while I have been pushing myself and not quite meeting the bar I set for myself trying to be as normal as possible. My friends, Wen and Dave, Cyndi and Larry and a special hug and kiss to Mark and Lynne who along with Mary and Bob have prayed daily and sometimes more than once in a day. I felt everyone of those prayers especially on the tough days. Some of those decisions of mine may have not been the smartest ( driving to Quebec on day 2 after a treatment, playing golf on day 3 of a treatment) but I don’t regret trying these things at the times I did them. I need to publicly thank my family, this is been hard on them, some went through his with DAD, and MORAG, all have been helping me try to be normal while continuing through their own life’s challenges..

Many songs of praise, were instrumental to my journey in this last 6 months, I will Rise by Chris Tomlin, We Believe by the Newsboys, Build Your Kingdom here by the Rend Collective and 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman  among them all of which our Choral Group, THE MAMMAZ and PAPPAZ introduced to the congregation of Trinity Community Church. If songs of praise are you thing I suggest you check these ones out, they are all available on You Tube. The other evening when Mark and Lynne were over for dinner, we began talking about music and other things and the group Lighthouse game up and it reminded me of one of their songs Hats off to the Stranger.  Several lines in their verses stood out and certainly for the next month I may take to heart. You may think what you like, but I think the stranger was an Arabic looking dude with a gentle disposition and a loving heart, that came to earth to save us all, and to walk with me during this journey.

"Walk down the road of life, a-happy as can be
But not so happy, yeah, that you can't see
Be very careful, mm-hmm, everywhere you go
Take it very slow"

"Nobody's perfect, boy, not me or you
It doesn't matter what you say or do
But you could be singin', yeah, a better tune

Hats off to the stranger
For tellin' me what he knows
I said, Lord, I here ya
And I'm walkin' slow, yeah

Read more: Lighthouse - Hats Off (to The Stranger) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Until later,

Bill

It is still better look down at the grass than up at the grass  J

One More To Go

I have said this before, it amazes me what other Chemo patients go through and are still able to function and keep a stiff upper lip. I take a single drug instead of a toxic cocktail and I feel that I have been dragged backwards through the ringer, stood up and pushed through the other side. Don’t get me wrong,  take a week off, I attend meetings, do some light gardening and get the dogs their morning walk, but the constant fatigue, lack of stamina and no breath is mentally taxing.  I’ve started the first of two weeks off of Chemo which means the first week back to work. Staying awake in the afternoon, keeping on track, and keeping focus are really difficult this time.

Thursday last week I decided t as a good idea to travel to Sailbury de Valleyfield QC to visit my sister, her husband and cousins who had flown over from Wales for a conference and were staying for the Montreal F1 race. After Beth got off work on Thursday we got on the road and headed east. I did really well until Napanee where we stopped for a protein break. While taking time to stretch, eat and rest we got a text informing us that there was a new baby that is going to join our extended family in November. On that high we got back on the 401. Just down the road, the fatigue started to set in, the adrenaline high started to abate and trucks appeared in front of us a lot sooner than I would like. Time to pull off. We pulled off at Brockville, with an hour and a half to go we decided to get a room for the night. (part of the backup plan all along). It was a great visit, but daily driving, walking through museums and the odd beer a day ( that would 3, 5 7 not 1) would take its toll. After supper if we were just talking i was falling asleep by 9:30p, I needed more  alone time than usual, fortunately not many are up with me at 6am, and certainly the shortness of breath and the joint plains were taking a toll as well.  Was it the smartest thing I have ever done, NO!, am I sorry I went NO!, would I do it again IN A HEART BEAT! A chance to see family that I haven’t seen in 3-4 years, and I may never see again for the same length of time or longer, and only 7 hours away is a powerful draw. We came home on the Monday and had a fantastic music practice that evening, but wow did I go for a long deep sleep.

Nausea has been a larger factor this time. I have had to take meds, at each large meal, and some times before bed. The hot flashes from the hormones seem to be more frequent and warmer. Simple tasks take a little longer and if you thought my mind wander before or I couldn’t stay on track before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. My desire to be at work has gone, I’m not dreading it, nor do I hate my job and I loathe the climb up the stairs to my office a zillion times a day but I certainly don’t want to be there for this last 5 weeks but other than the Chemo week I have no real reason not to be there.

My hair continues to grow on top of my head and my beard continues to slowly grow, although red and brown are gone and have been substituted with strawberry blonde and white.  

Ah well things go on, I have been able to garden, kayak, drive to Quebec , move my daughter, yes all at a reduced rate, but I have been  able still to do it which a lot taking this regimen have not been able to do.  This has been the fifth of six treatments, the next one, the last one, I get to ring the “I’m done bell”.  So all things being equal I’m only a few weeks away from totally flushing these toxins from my body and getting on with life.

All things are good and I can still look down at the grass and not up at it.

BK